How are your communication skills? I used to think communication was just about the words that we speak. Boy, was I wrong. There is so much more that goes into even communicating a simple phrase.
I define communicate as effectively expressing thoughts, feelings, and ideas as well aseffectively understanding the thoughts, feelings, and ideas of others. We need to receive and comprehendwhat others are trying to communicate to us. There is a “formula” we learned in class, that briefly shows how communication works:
Disarming
1. You have a thought/feeling
2. You ‘encode’ the message (sender)
3. You use a mode of media to convey the message
a. Words
b. Tone
c. Non-Verbal cues
4. The message is ‘decoded’ (receiver)
The three modes of communicate are each important in their own way. Words make up about 14% of our communication, tone is 35%. Non-verbal cues play the biggest role in our communication, making up over half (51%) of all our communication. With our world full of online communication, we lose the tone and all important non-verbal communication… Sure we can use emoji's but people can interpret them so many different ways. There is a far greater risk for miscommunication when communicating, using only our words.
There are five secrets that can help you improve communication skills, as laid out by David Burns. Disarming technique, expressing empathy, inquiry, “I feel” statements, and embracing (burns calls it stroking, like stroking a cat, but I feel like embracing sounds better).
· Disarming Technique
o Find the one kernel of truth in the other person’s statement
o Take down your defenses, and the other person will likely do the same
· Express Empathy
o There are two different kinds of empathy
- Thought Empathy – repeat what the other person is saying to show understanding
- Feeling Empathy – use the same tone of voice when talking to someone, you can also think back to a time when you felt the same or similar emotion
· Inquiry
o Show more understanding
o Asking questions is an invitation to a deeper conversation and connection
o You can ask clarifying questions like “Is that what you are feeling?”
· “I Feel” Statements (my personal favorite!!)
- When _____, I feel _____, because _____. I would like_____.
- When - Situation/event
- I feel - Emotion words
- Because - thoughts
- I would like - hopes, desires
· Embracing
o Try to convey respect
o Show your appreciation and admiration for the other person
These secrets are a different type of secret. Everyone knows about them, only a select few have chosen to put them into practice, and unlocked the true secret of better communication. It will take time, lots of dedicated practice, and a willing heart and mind.
As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I have been blessed with wonderful leaders who lead their lives as (near) perfect examples. Now, I get to share with you how the 15 brethren down in Salt Lake meet together in their counsels for the work church, and how you and me can apply the same layout into our family counsels.
· Meet together and express words of love (set a sacred and dedicated time/place)
o Open with prayer, asking the Spirit to reside at the meeting
- Counsel until unanimous consensus is reached
o End with prayer, expressing decision and gratitude to the Father
· Refreshments bring people together! (and more kind and loving words)
Notice how it follows a patter, that is very similar backwards and forwards. It is a closed system. While I have not had the opportunity to practice this with my family, I can tell y’all how much I love food and how it is a great opportunity to connect with others. I haven’t had a family dinner in years, but we have apartment dinner every Sunday with all six roommates, and brothers, cousins, and now fiancés, will join us. I’ve grown a lot closer to my roommates this semester because of our time to connect while making and eating dinner together. I didn’t really get to know my roommates last year. We all just did our own thing. I don’t want my future family to be like this, so I’m going to practice the communication skills I can while still single, then build better habits upon those once I’m married.
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