Intimacy

This week's post is another one I wish I did not have to post.  Shoot, I don't even want to write this. Learning about sexual intimacy and infidelity in marriage is not the most fun thing in the world. But I had a realization about halfway through the week… If I'm going into Marriage and Family Counseling or Therapy, I'm going to need to know all this and be able to talk and counsel people about this. So, bear with me through this post.

There are many ways I’ve thought about writing this. I don’t think I need to give the bird’s and bee’s talk, I assume most of y’all who are reading this are either old enough to understand there are sexual differences between men and women, or you’re already married and have a greater understanding than I do. There was a two part (Part I, Part II) article I read this week that talked about 20 healthy and unhealthy characteristics of sexuality. I’m going to briefly go over just the first 5 healthy and unhealthy characteristics. This post’s layout may get repetitive, so I apologize in advance.

1.     Accepting of Body vs Uncomfortable with Body

a.     It healthy to love and accept yourself before you can expect to feel comfortable with someone else intimately. This can be hard to do because of the unrealistic expectations the world and media try to push upon us. These unhealthy body expectations can also affect the way we expect our spouses to look. We are all imperfect, and it takes real love and trust to be the highest level of vulnerability with someone. Try to accept others as they are (because they have to accept you the way you are).

2.     Affection for its own Sake vs Affection Only Leading to Sex

a.      Physical touch is one of the 5 love languages, and there is more to it than just sex. Any physical touch should not lead to sex. You should hold hands, cuddle, and show physical affection for the sole purpose of being close to your spouse. Affection, both physical and non-physical, is needed to sustain the well-being of a marriage. 

3.     Agency vs Entitlement

a.     Agency is one of the great gifts given to us by God. We each have the right to make our own choices, regardless of others desires. Both spouses have the confidence and right to freely discuss their desires and can choosewhich to act upon. Intimacy should be a “I want you” choice, not “I guess we can because it’s been a while.” You should not feel pressured to have sex, and you should not pressure your spouse. If they say no, respect it. They should also respect your “no.”

4.     Bridled vs Unrestrained

a.     Life is all about self-mastery, and sex is not excluded from this list. Marriage is not a constant sex nirvana (author’s words, not mine). Both spouses should be working together towards greater self-mastery and bridling of their desires, both sexual and non-sexual. Compromises can be made, meeting in the middle more often, or simply having a better balance between spontaneity and cultivation.

5.     Connection Based vs Performance Based

a.     Marriage is arguably the greatest connection you will make with someone. Most defiantly among those not related to you. Deeper interpersonal connections between husband and wife are made through good sexual intimacy. Connect with one another, love each other. It’s not all about fulfilling your desires and performing the best you can. The greater focus given to partner performance, the level of anxiety rises. The focus moves from love and connection to performing perfectly. 

This week was hard for me. I grew up in a house where the only time we talked about sex was when we got “The Talk” and I didn’t see much physical affection between my parent. Just a kiss on the cheek every once and a while. I have never been comfortable talking about this topic with anyone, and I was surprised when my classmates voiced their very different experiences. Some families are very open about it. This week opened my eyes to future conversations I will need to have with my future husband. Until then, I’m perfectly happy not talking about this.