Stages of & Myths About Marriage

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So over on my Facebook, I said I would be posting this on Monday. It is now Wednesday night and I'm just now sitting down to write this. I've never really taken an online class, and it's a lot harding to manage my time while I'm working and at home. Being an on-campus student is so much easier.

What are some myths you heard about marriage (before you were married) that turned out to be false? I've gotten some advice, for lack of a better word, from many different people, and I have yet to get married, so I'm not sure which is good advice and which is not. One of me readings for class in the first week was about the 10 most common myths about marriage. It came from the first chapter in
"The Great Marriage Tune-Up Book."

The first thing it talks about is the three different stages of a marriage. The first being Romantic Love. I would describe romantic love as courtship and honeymoon couples. It's putting your best foot forward, dressing to impress, putting on a little extra make-up. The "I'll love you forever, and we'll never fight about anything" phase. I assume most of my readers are married so I'm sure you all know about this, but this joyous stage will end.

The second stage of marriage is Disillusionment and Distraction. This is where you realize who your spouse really is. You both start to get comfortable and show your true colors. He may not say "I love you" everyday, she may not put her dirty socks in the hamper. It can also be surprising just how much work has to be put into combining two people's lives. One has to adjust to the work schedule of the other, or making a budget and spending designs together. I know the world (TV, Movies, etc) make it seem like marriage is all happily ever after the marriage, but it's not.

After learning all these new, and annoying/stressful things your partner does, you have three choices. You can end the marriage: Disillusion. You can keep struggling to keep the marriage afloat: Adjustment with Resignation. Or you can decide to work together to adjust yourself as a couple: Contentment.

Disillusion is pretty self-explanatory, you end the marriage and separate through a divorce. Adjustment with Resignation is very unsatisfying for everyone involved. Everyday is a struggle, and there is a lack of deep connection and love. These couples tend to grow farther and farther apart, but they withstand the added stress and pain instead of a divorce.

 Contentment is described as "a good friendship with some passion thrown in." The authors also site the Harry Stack Sullivan's definition of love: "when the satisfaction or the security of another person becomes as significant as it one's own satisfaction or security." This is what I consider to be a true, deep, and ever-lasting love. Putting the needs of others before your own.

 Now! Onto the Top 10 Myths About Marriage! For the sake of my time, and yours, I'm simply going to list the myth name, the actual myth, and a correct way of thinking. *For more information about correcting thinking habits, see my post 
"Faulty Thinking Leads to More Stress" which goes into more details about cognitive disorders.
  1. The ESP
    1. M- If my spouse love me, they should instinctivelyknow what I want and need to be happy.
    2. T- If my spouse really loves me, they will openly and respectfully tell me what they need and not expect me to read their mind.
  2. The I'm-Good-Enough-Just-As-I-Am
    1. M- No matter how I behave, my spouse should love me simply because they are my spouse.
    2. T- Your spouse will love you to the extent that you are loveable, and that’s based largely on your behavior.
  3. The Finger-Pointing-Will-Change-Them
    1. M- I can change my spouse by pointing out their errors and flaws.
    2. T- I can positively influence my spouse’s behavior if I know how, and that can be learned. Nagging does notwork.
  4. The Love-in-A-Vacuum
    1. M- My spouse either loves me or doesn’t love me; nothing I do will affect the way they feel about me.
    2. T- If I behave more lovingly, they will love me more.
  5. The Let-It-All-Hang-Out
    1. M- The more my spouse discloses positive and negative information to me, the closer I will feel to her and the greater our marital satisfaction will be.
    2. T- The expression of positive thoughts and feelings increases marital satisfaction the most. If you have something negative to say, watch how you say it so as not to offend & hurt.
  6. The My-Feelings-Have-To-Change First
    1. M- I must first feel better about my spouse before I can change my behavior toward them.
    2. T- Part of being married is learning that you sometimes have to do things for your spouse that you would rather not do.
  7. The Romantic-Love-Is-Key
    1. M- Maintaining romantic love is the key to marital happiness over the life span for most couples.
    2. T- It takes much more than romantic love to make a marriage last.
  8. The It's-A-50-50-Deal
    1. M- Marriage should always be a 50-50 partnership.
    2. T- Your marriage will be stronger if you focus on pleasing your partner and making sure you are doing all you reasonably can to contribute without keeping a tally in your mind.
  9. The Marriage-Is-The-Ultimate-Answer
    1. M- Marriage can fulfill all my needs.
    2. T- Marriage can fulfill many of my needs, and the others can be fulfilled by the appropriate people.
  10. The Keep-Quiet-And-Do-It-Alone
    1. M- Couples should keep their problems to themselves and solve them alone.
    2. T- Keeping your problems quiet and going it alone often leads to failure. Get trusted others to help you.

Wowza! That was a long post, but it feels good to be writing and posting again. I'll be posting again tomorrow or Friday so check back soon! Let me know your thoughts on my post below!

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