Being a parent is no easy task. I'm hesitant to write about the best ways to parent and raise children, because every child is different and has their own unique needs. That being said, there are certain principles that all parents can apply in their parenting.
The outcome of a child is based upon what we as parents feel the outcome of parenting is. What is the goal of parenting? Are we trying to simply create a self-sufficient human who will late turn into an adult who adds to the chaos of society? Are we guiding them towards their own personal goals? I feel that there are two main goals when it comes to parenting.
The first goal is, I feel, the most common. I will refer to it as the worldly goal of parenting. The worldly goal of parenting is to teach children how to become helpful members of society. Children should grow up to be self-supporting and contribute to society, wether that be through a 9-5 desk job, an educator, or any other career. There is nothing wrong with this parenting goal. It is one we all should have.
The second parenting goal I think we should all have is one of a more spiritual sense. The relationship we have with our Father in Heaven is of the highest importance. We as parents should be relying on God to help direct us in our parenting styles and decisions. Teaching our children how to cultivate a relationship with God is one of the greatest gifts we can give them. When they understand God's role in their lives, they will seek His guidance.
While our children are still learning to trust in God, we as parents can create better teaching relationships with our children. In the third week of classes, I read a chapter from Between Parent and Child that discusses seven ways to help your parenting become more caring and effective (Ginott, 2004, p.198). I've picked a couple for you that I feel are very important.
- "The beginning of wisdom is listening."
Those of you who have been following my blog for a while will know how important communication is. Communication is more than just being able to talk well, it's also about being able to listen to others, and help them feel heard. Everyone at every age needs to be heard. Sometimes it can be just a verbal venting session, and other times, actions may need to be taken. When listening to your child, trust must be present. If your child does not trust you, they are not going to come to you with their problems. One of the ways this trust can be built is via the way you respond to them.
First the "DO NOT'S." We should never dismiss our children (That's a silly idea). We should not deny their claims (You didn't marry Cindy at school). Criticism can be a good teaching tool, but not when trust is being built (You never finish all your homework). No one likes to be humiliated, especially children (You're really not that cool). And finally, try not to get angry (You're such a nuisance).
Now, I know that's quite a list of do not's, and most of those are hard to stop doing. The good news is, there is a single, and simple, "DO" that can move mountains. Acknowledging a child's thoughts and feelings helps them to identify and accept them as normal. "Acknowledging is not agreeing" (Ginott, 2004, p.199). Acknowledging your child's thoughts and feelings, no matter how crazy they may seem, builds trust between you and your child.
- "Do not deny your child's perceptions, do not dispute [their] feelings... do not argue with his or her experience."
When other's deny what I consider to be my truths, I often find myself going through a mini life-crisis. I start to question a lot of what I know to be true. It seems to me that when parents deny their children's "truths" they are simply doing so because the child is not yet mature enough to see the fault in their thought process. An example from my life. I was terrified to swim in any body of water. I often watched shows like "River Monsters" late at night, which convinced me that I was going to be eaten by sharks. Parents often told me that there was nothing in the water, and that I was just being a baby about it. I remember it was hard to hear those things from adults I looked up to.
Ginott uses the example of a child complaining to her mother that the dinner soup was too salty. The mother had two choices of responses. 1) "I barely put any salt in, you're just overreacting" and 2) "Oh no! I'm sorry it's too salty for you." The second expression shows the child that her mother respects how she feels (Ginott, 2004, p.200).
Parenting is hard, but with practice, it can bring joy to both parent and child. I'm still a long way from being a parent, but I am very glad that I made the choice to take a parenting class while still single. It has allowed me a unique perspective of being a single adult and examining how my childhood has and will affect the rest of my life.
Resource:
Ginott, H. G., Ginott, A., & Goddard, H. W. (2004). Chapter 10: Lessons to Guide Your Parenting. In Between Parent and Child(pp.192-203). New York: Random House.
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